Edumacation?

My brother's cooking steaks in the oven.  We notice smoke coming from the oven.  He's put the steak on the top rack.  My brother opens the oven door.  Flames come pouring out of the oven. "What do I do?!  What do I do?!"  They need to stop teaching whatever the hell it is they're teaching in schools and teach children about fire, earthquakes, and their civic duties.  It does occur to me that my parents paid money for my brother to go to a private Christian school.  I guess they teach more important life lessons there, like how to save your soul CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO AVOID CATCHING FIRE.

Bumper to Bumper

The world as I see it in the morning:


This is how fast I'm going:

That's driving 90 miles for 109 minutes. My car's display panel doesn't count the time I spent on site. Now it's 9:49 a.m. and I'm driving back to the office. Or rather, parked on the freeway with my car pointed in the general direction of my office.

Come Again Another Day

Is there some sort of rule that states it must rain the hardest during my lunch hour, especially on days I don't bring my lunch to work?

In related news, there was a Tornado warning for Orange County this Tuesday. That's because God is punishing the the conservative evangelicals for spreading their evil. What? If Pat Robertson gets to do it, I don't see why some rant blogger should exercise greater restraint.

Holiday Cheer

Yesterday was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and as I drove the family home from dinner, my brother cycled through radio stations looking for music. Our local "soft rock"/adult contemporary station has begun playing Christmas music. Exclusively.

Out of Fashion For 300 Years

I cannot wait for the fashion trend of men wearing undersized/tight/women's jeans to be over. There are many reasons for this:

1. I don't need to see your underwear.
2. Or your buttcrack.
3. It adds shape to your hips, which is feminizing.
4. There's no room for your junk, so you either look like a girl or or you look like a girl with boy parts.
5. Only the person(s) you're bumping uglies with needs to know if you manscape. Or wants to know.
   

I thought sagging was a dumb trend (let's all pretend we're wearing diapers), but this particular trend is outright offensive.

On "Fantasy"

This is exactly how I feel about the Harry Potter series. Don't even get me started on the glut of vampire bs on TV right now, and may Twilight and its fans die a horrible fiery death. At least J.K. Rowling isn't a terrible writer whom I might have criticized in the 6th grade.

This trend is like taking the game of golf, adding grooves upon which the balls are meant to travel (all downhill, of course), and calling it golfu. Then, we expose a fan of the actual game of golf to constant golfu advertising and gossip sites and tween girls constantly giggling about the latest golfu star. Just, no. All involved should be shot.

I'll Admit to Dropping Him as a Baby

Brother:   My toes are cold.
Me:         So wear socks.
Brother:   I want toe warmers.
Me:         They're called socks.

Can you believe the law considers this one an adult?